I always knew I was different. From a young age (around 13/14) when all the girls used to ask which boy you fancied, I always used to make it up just so I would fit in with the conversations.
I never looked at a boy and found him physically attractive. I just presumed that I was a late bloomer, or that I just hadn’t recognised what the feeling was. I didn’t have a boyfriend (and still hadn’t fancied a guy) till I was 17, and even then that was only because he liked me and I wanted to know what it was like to be with someone. I thought I would learn to fancy him, but I didn’t. He turned out to be an abusive twat anyway and I was only with him for 3 months so that didn’t work out great for me.
I then got with my best friend, who I STILL didn’t fancy, but I really liked his personality so tried being with him. That didn’t go great either, because he kept trying to force me to do things I didn’t want to do. I sailed by with this, but ended it when he cheated on me four or so months in. Great.
By this point I realised something. That I didnt really like guys, that I infact fancied girls a lot more. I tried to ignore this, I thought it was a jealousy thing, but it really wasn’t. I do like guys, I’m not a lesbian, but I only fancy a very specific kind of guy whereas I like a lot of women.
Since then I am in a happy long term relationship with my partner Ash (a guy) who I am physically attracted to, and have opened up to him about my sexual orientation – which he is perfectly comfortable with.
Despite myself and my partner being aware of my preferences, I would never openly be with a woman. I have absolutely nothing against lesbians (obviously), and even if I was not with my partner, I would not be able to be honest about my feelings to my family. I would comfortably be able to be sexual with a woman, and be with her, I just could not admit it. My family arn’t even homophobic, I just couldn’t do it, being such a shy introverted person.
So that’s my story. I’m bisexual. I’m fine with it, and the person I love is fine with it. I’ve excepted that it’s part of my personality, I will just never truly come out.
As a 14/15 year old girl who felt totally uncomfortable in the girls changing rooms at school because of the feelings I had, and feeling like a total outcast for not having a boyfriend and not even liking boys, I know it’s a struggle being young and having to hide your sexuality.
If you’re struggling with your sexuality then please feel free to talk to me, I know how hard it is. Remember: the only person who your sexuality should matter to is yourself. Don’t feel you have to hide it like I do, I promise; telling someone (my boyfriend, in my case) really does help. It makes it feel real and reassured that it’s ok.
Please don’t hide who you are.
I welcome comments 🙂