I’m at a cross roads.
Every night I fear waking up because it’s another day gone by. The days, weeks and months fly past me, forcing me to make tough decisions about next year; making me fear the oncoming stress and change.
I hate change.
But I need change. I can’t stay like this forever. I’m only nineteen and I often wish I could just end it all. I’ll never amount to much, so why bother?
What holds me back? The path of destruction I’ll leave behind. Friends, family, Ash. I know he’ll do the same. I can’t have that happen. I wish I could just dissapear and no one notice I was gone.
This depression has been developing and festering for years. I am happier than I have ever been, yet I’m still depressed. I still self harm. I still starve myself. I still doubt my reasons for existence. I still loathe every part of me and constantly think of the worst.
But I couldn’t do that to Ash.
I keep fighting for him.
I won’t take the easy way out, I can’t hurt him like that.
I’ll keep my head up, fake a smile, put my bracelets on, force a sandwich down, and pretend like I’m only going through a rough patch. Maybe I am. It’s 1am afterall.