Doom and Gloom

I’m at a cross roads. 

Every night I fear waking up because it’s another day gone by. The days, weeks and months fly past me, forcing me to make tough decisions about next year; making me fear the oncoming stress and change. 

I hate change. 

But I need change. I can’t stay like this forever. I’m only nineteen and I often wish I could just end it all. I’ll never amount to much, so why bother? 

What holds me back? The path of destruction I’ll leave behind. Friends, family, Ash. I know he’ll do the same. I can’t have that happen. I wish I could just dissapear and no one notice I was gone. 

This depression has been developing and festering for years. I am happier than I have ever been, yet I’m still depressed. I still self harm. I still starve myself. I still doubt my reasons for existence. I still loathe every part of me and constantly think of the worst. 

But I couldn’t do that to Ash. 

I keep fighting for him. 

I won’t take the easy way out, I can’t hurt him like that. 

I’ll keep my head up, fake a smile, put my bracelets on, force a sandwich down, and pretend like I’m only going through a rough patch. Maybe I am. It’s 1am afterall. 

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2 thoughts on “Doom and Gloom

  1. I hear your pain…I can’t feel it because only you can do that. One day at a time – that’s the best anyone can do – and one day the world will look brighter and your heart will feel lighter and you will look back on this time and be thankful that you made it. Blessings to you.

    • Thankyou so much for your reply, kind words, and advice; it means a lot to me 🙂 I will continue fighting, I know that happy day will come, it’s just difficult knowing that it might be so very far away. Thankyou for your kind blessing.

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