Do you believe in karma?
I believe in a balancing scale. For any good thing that happens to me, I believe there has to be a bad thing to follow. Karma-wise; I believe that being a nice person is the right thing to do and it makes good things happen to you. Or at least I thought I did.
I’ve always been nice to people, bent over backwards to help out, been polite, and bitten my tongue, but my life hasn’t exactly been easy; or fair, you could say.
So basically, recently my old boss came back at work, so everyone’s shifts have been changed about… trouble is that mine have been mostly cut. This pisses me off for several reasons. Firstly, I am on a gap year, so I work for a living. If I’m not working, then I cannot afford to go to Tanzania to work in an orphanage, and that pretty much renders my second gap year useless. Secondly; I work DAMN hard. I have done weeks of 12 hour shifts straight. I always do my jobs and do everything the manager tells me. Sure I sit and chat sometimes, but I do a hell of a lot of work to make up for it. I work harder than 90 maybe 95% of my collegues, and my shifts still got given to George.
I really like George, he’s my mate and a really decent guy. He pays for the rent of his house to keep his brothers together after his dad left when his mum passed away. He works every day though, and I feel like the shift was given to him just because it’s George. I understand, course I do, I’m not a heartless bitch; I am just trying to understand whether or not I feel he is more deserving of that shift than me.
I’m glad it went to him rather than anyone else, I am just feeling as though I worked my ass off for nothing. Effectively my efforts meant nothing. My sleepless nights, my constant exhaustion, my neglect of my relationships, my moodswings, my overall stress.
Everyone bends over backwards for George, he has good karma. But I am constantly being taken for granted, despite being a nice person.
A prime example would be when I was at work (in a leisure centre) and I offered to open the fire escape doors for the badminton players as I thought they might be getting a bit hot, and I got my head bitten off because I left the football goals propped up against the wall as I have a bad back and cannot lift them. I went to do a well intended good deed, and it was thrown back in my face.
Then again, feeling like I was owed some good karma, yesterday while my partner and I were in Bristol city center, I bought a Big Issue magazine (a magazine sold by homeless people, giving them a job and an opportunity to get off the streets, and the proceeds go to the homeless shelters), and gave another homeless man some money to get some lunch. I felt like this is a really good deed, and it made me feel good inside. Then today while at work, a lady said I have a ‘beautiful heart’. This made me feel wonderful, and maybe restored my belief in karma.
I was not a great teenager, I shut myself in my bedroom, was out till the morning drinking and out with my various boyfriends, and now I have a fantastic, loving, supportive partner, and what I feel like is the best relationship with my parents I’ve ever had. Maybe I am being given good karma for my kind acts, and I’m just looking for more obvious rewards. Maybe the positive changes to my relationships are my subtle yet bountiful rewards?
I guess we shall see how things pan out for me, eh?